Damn it…it’s happened again. As usual it was the dancing that did it. Dancing is always make or break for me…I’m a sucker for a funny, little dance or someone that doesn’t take it too seriously. The kids danced to some crazy Cambodian rap music and now I think I might love them. And I don’t usually love kids. There are people here who swoon over every Cambodian child in the street and I certainly don’t feel like that. It's just my class. Before I left I was warned this would happen… I thought, no way. Sure, I’ll like them (if they like me) but I doubt I’ll become attached like that. I don’t fall that easily. Megan, another volunteer, came to work with me for a few days and when she left they drew her pictures and told her how glad they were that she had taught them…then the dancing happened…and then I cried. What’s wrong with me? How I am going to be able to say goodbye to them after two months now? And having been invited into their homes and lives and met their families... I can already feel how tough that last day will be.
When I first arrived I wasn’t even sure I liked Cambodia. I found Phnom Penh quite ugly and some of the situations I’ve been put in either distressing or depressing or both. Mekha’s mother has a medical problem and she had x-rays. We went to her home and they wanted me to read what the doctor had written in English but I couldn’t understand it because it was all medical terms. She was clearly distressed and Mekha is such a lovely kid. But I couldn’t do anything. I felt helpless. All the money the Library gets is for the children and their education, there is not much help for the families or adults. It can only be given when and where possible. There’s a real feeling that it’s the younger generation who will be able to pick the country back up, the children. I want to do something for the homes that don’t have proper roofs though. I’m finding out how many there are in this state. A roof is a basic need in life, surely. The children need to be able to sleep when it rains.
And the word "depressing" is an understatement for the killing fields and S21. There really is truth in "ignorance is bliss". It’s the most tragic thing…that words don’t even match a fraction of how horrific it is. There is actually no words. I find it very hard to get my head around what happened and how recent it all was. Our guide at the killing fields was 17 when he was forced out of the city. He fled and all his family were killed. It is his history.
So on the surface there is a lot of sadness to this country and to the situations I have been in. However, I am so incredibly glad to be staying for two months. I think that now, after three weeks I am only just starting to properly settle in and see how amazing the people are here. The city seems beautiful now and I think I needed to scratch at the surface to discover this. I’m getting to know the Narin staff and the Tuk Tuk drivers. I like where I live; I love where I teach. And I feel quite immersed in the Cambodian lifestyle. I go to the temples, fairs, markets, get blessed, eat, watch the soaps, listen to the music, a lot of the time with Cambodian people. I love that. And it’s starting to feel like I really live here. It’s fun. We’ve been drinking, I’ve seen more drag shows than I ever did before. I’ve laughed a lot. And I never thought I’d say that I actually love teaching… and if I feel low I just think about some of the children and the things they have said to me… I really hate how that sounds. A sickening cliché but I do feel settled. I can see what really needs doing and what they need too. We’ve given some money to buy a router for the Library computers so they can get Internet access. I think that will help massively with the English and learning.
Of course there is constant transit in travelling so I’ll never feel completely settled. The best thing about travelling is meeting so many different people and hearing so many inspiring stories…but the worst thing is having to constantly say goodbye. I said goodbye to Lorna this afternoon and it was sad. Our room’s a wreck and I miss her firey red hair and amazing outlook on everything already.
Cambodia definitely makes me feel bipolar, at least in these first few weeks it has. I’ve felt so extremely happy and so very sad. I’m a walking cliché for travelling and I hate that…I hate saying that it’s changing my life, and it’s amazing and I’m learning so much about myself…blah blah blah. Clichés make me sick but it’s totally true. There is definitely a spell at work here…not just with my class but with the country. It feels like I’ve been away for a long time already. I love England and I love London but Cambodia’s turning out to be pretty damn good as well…
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